Nurturing the Flame Within: Self-Care in the management of Depression
Bath bombs, skincare routines, aesthetically shot videos that involve homemade ice cubes shaped like hearts, journaling with 5 different color pens, and cleaning your whole house. In 15 minutes of browsing on TikTok after searching self-care, you’ve probably seen plenty of videos that focus on “Wellness” that involve some complicated 12-step routine. By the end of watching several of the videos, I’m already exhausted thinking about the effort required by these complex routines, leaving me with very little motivation to actually commit to my own. Seeing this perfect romanticized version of self-care is compelling… if you could just commit to what’s shown in these videos, maybe your depression would go away, and it would be easier to enjoy things again. There is some truth to the importance of prioritizing self-care in managing depression, but the reality of the depths of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) means that what might actually be helpful is going to look a little different than what fits in a sponsored 2-minute video.
The Difference Between Feeling Blue and Major Depressive Disorder
MDD differs from the random low periods that all humans experience at some time in their lives by the severity of functioning in their daily lives. While “having the blues”, you may struggle to live life like you normally do; you may spend less time with family and friends, have a harder time completing work, or just not feel like yourself. These are definitely discouraging experiences when they occur. It is circumstances like these in which TikTok self-care routines might not be a bad move. Doing enjoyable things can help you pull yourself out of the slump and get back to feeling like you again. When considering Major Depressive Disorder, though, people can go through periods of struggling so intensely that it feels like the flame of your life is nearly extinguished. The reality is that a perfect skincare routine to reduce the size of your pores is a pipe dream.
Symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder
A read of the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder can help you understand why some of the information on self-care might need to be adapted a bit for you since symptoms include:
Frequent difficulties with your mood including sadness, emptiness, hopelessness, irritability, and frustration even over things that seem small
Loss of interest and pleasure in most or all normal activities, which includes regular hobbies, sports, and daily activities
Sleeping too little or too much
Extreme exhaustion and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
Slowed thinking, difficulty concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with a special focus on past failures or self-blame
Occasionally unexplained physical problems, such as headaches or pain
Reduced appetite or increased appetite, with weight fluctuations
Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death and suicidal thoughts.
These Symptoms Together Create a Challenging Scenario to Deal With
While reading those symptoms individually paints a difficult picture, the reality of MDD is these symptoms mix together to make for a very challenging symphony. When the exhaustion mixes with the feelings of worthlessness, even something like taking a shower can make you think that you’re not even worth the energy expenditure required. The lack of appetite mixed with difficulty making decisions can result in standing at the door of the fridge feeling paralyzed by indecision, and deciding that it’s easier to just not eat. The loss of interest and pleasure mixed with irritation at small difficulties can cause you to withdraw from trying anything new because it just makes you too mad when it doesn’t turn out right, and if you do it doesn’t feel as rewarding as you would like anyways.
Self-care Can Be the Most Difficult Thing to Do in the Midst of MDD
Facing the inherent difficulties of these symptoms collaborating to make life that much harder usually means that your go-to might be lying in bed for most of the day feeling like someone has disconnected your ability to move your body, wishing you could just get up and brush your teeth. It’s ironic that in the depths of MDD when self-care would be the most helpful, it is also when it’s the most difficult to do. If you take someone who is currently putting all their energy into the bare minimum of staying alive, those self-care videos with their clean homes, and manufactured perfection is a faraway dream. Which brings us to the importance of a self-care approach that is actually rooted in caring for yourself. To give it a term, we might think of it as compassionate self-care.
Barriers to Self-Care
The biggest barriers to compassionate self-care can be shame/guilt, perfectionism, and “should”. Some of us have been taught that shame and guilt are great motivators, and we should use them to be mean to ourselves in order to force whatever chore or activity is in our focus. Some of us have been taught that having a clean home means that you’re a good person. Some of us have been taught that things need to be done a certain way and that anything outside of that narrow box is wrong or weird. These beliefs just serve to intensify MDD and create a cycle of delaying tasks because of the difficulty of not being able to complete them perfectly. This in turn means that there’s more guilt waiting for you the next time.
And by the time you do get to that task, after fighting through those negative thoughts about yourself, you’re more tired than when you started, making it more likely to push other tasks off further. While MDD can reduce your life to a wavering flame, this downward spiral can almost completely smother it. Caring for that tiny flame means treating it gently, and not blowing it out too early with too strong of a wind gust. While self-care can be helpful, aiming for perfect self-care is likely to burn you out before you start. Instead, focus on the tiny steps that you can imagine as individual pieces of wood that you add to your fire to help it steadily grow over time. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be one degree better.
Show Yourself Compassion
Compassion can be defined as feeling and showing sympathy and concern. Compassionate self-care then means caring for yourself with sympathy and concern for the very real barriers that, with a little bit of kindness towards yourself, can be overcome. Compassionate self-care is not a new idea, and therapists like KC Davis in her book “How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing” have encouraged it for some time. In the book, the theme is “You don’t work for your space, your space works for you”. This extends to self-care: you don’t work for self-care, self-care is supposed to work for you. This means that the goal of is self-care is to actually do something that meets your individual needs; not to do whatever you’re being influenced to buy. Stepping outside of the box of what things should look like allows you to be creative and free enough to fan the embers of your life.
One Degree at a Time
So, when you’re feeling stuck, ask yourself, ‘What’s one degree better than what I’m doing now?’ If you’ve been lying in bed for the past week, what’s one degree better? Not an hour in a gym, not a 5-mile walk; what’s one degree of movement better? And maybe on that day, for that energy level, it’s slowly moving your body to your favorite 2-minute song. Or maybe it’s stretching in bed if you have enough room. If you haven’t showered for 9 days, what’s one degree better? Is it just washing your face that day? Is it using wet wipes to feel fresher than before? Is it a short bath if standing sounds like just too much? If it’s a sink full of dishes, what’s one degree better? Is it using paper plates that week to not add more work for yourself? Is it using the dishwasher for just the plates you need to use that day and nothing more?
Acknowledging Your Feelings as Real and Valid
Compassionate self-care involves acknowledging how difficult things are for you. To that little depressed voice in your head that says, “You’re failing, you’re lazy, you’re so gross”, our compassionate response is a genuine belief that “I’m having a hard time right now. And people who are having a hard time deserve compassion”. Through this acknowledgment, kindness, and meeting your own needs, that once wavering flame of who you are can be nurtured through the harsh winds of depression until you’re ready to become that blazing bonfire that you deserve to be.
If You Are Struggling With Depression and Your Life Is at a Standstill, There is Help. Reach Out For Therapy for Depression in North Richland Hills, TX.
Depression can bring life as you know it to a screeching halt, making it impossible to care for yourself, let alone anyone else. If you find yourself in the darkness with no end in sight, let Luxx Therapy be the light at the end of the tunnel for you. Reach out to our skilled team of Depression Therapists and connect with someone who can provide a safe, nonjudgmental space for you to process and overcome your feelings of depression. Follow the steps below to get started and take the first step towards healing.
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OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AVAILABLE AT LUXX THERAPY
In addition to Therapy for Depression, we offer a wide range of services at Luxx Therapy geared towards meeting you where you are in your mental health journey including Therapy for Anxiety, Trauma Therapy and Couples Therapy. We will walk the path to understanding and healing with you whether you are in need of Individual Counseling, Couples Counseling, or Family Therapy! Reach out to us today.
Additional Resources:
For additional information about some of these ideas, this TED talk by KC Davis may be helpful to continue to focus on compassionate self-care. To learn more about me, and my compassionate stance towards depression and other mental health disorders, reach out! Throughout the course of therapy with me, I can encourage you to treat yourself with a judgment-free perspective and to care for yourself in the ways you deserve.