Navigating Attachment Styles: Gain Insight into the Emotional Bonds in Relationships
“An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology.”
– Amir Levine, M.D., & Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
Have you ever been in a fight with your partner and felt exhausted when you don’t see eye to eye? Perhaps you have felt confused, angry, or lost when your partner runs away from an argument. Have you ever been told that you are “clingy?” Or maybe you have felt overwhelmed, frozen, or uncomfortable when your partner expresses concerns?
Different Attachment Styles
You may be feeling the effects of different attachment styles. As both a therapist and a human, I have been there too…but don’t worry. You do not have to have the same attachment style as your partner to have a fulfilling relationship. Attachment styles are also not boxes that you will fit into your whole life – you can grow, change, and heal. Understanding what they are is the first step on your attachment journey and Couples Therapy can help.
According to attachment theory, the foundation of our attachment styles is created from the bond we have with our primary caregivers. Our attachment styles can evolve or continue to deepen with the experiences in our lives. Ultimately, our attachment style is the framework for how we show up in our relationship in adulthood and navigate conflict, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy.
There are four different attachments styles, which are:
Secure attachment.
Anxious attachment (also known as Preoccupied).
Avoidant attachment (also known as Dismissive).
Disorganized attachment (also known as Fearful-Avoidant).
Secure Attachment Style
In childhood, the secure attachment style was often met with reassurance and validation from caregivers. Caregivers were probably emotionally available and helped their children grow up to be trusting, loving, positive, and vulnerable. Secure attached adults are:
Comfortable in relationships or being alone.
Emotionally available and able to ask for emotional support.
Able to manage conflict.
Trusting and communicative.
Anxious Attachment Style
Individuals experiencing an anxious attachment style often felt confused by their caregiver’s reactions in childhood and felt unstable and unsure about what to expect from their caregivers emotionally. Anxiously attached individuals often feel like they are supposed to take care of others and can become codependent. Anxious adults may experience:
A strong fear of rejection or abandonment.
Heightened sensitivity to criticism.
A deep desire for approval from others.
Be described as “clingy” and feel unworthy of love.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often felt emotionally distant from their caregivers during childhood. These individuals have learned to adopt an independence inappropriate for their age. This can impact their later relationships by developing the belief that independence is safe and dependence is dangerous. Avoidant adults may:
Avoid emotional and physical intimacy or expressing their feelings.
Feel threatened when someone tries to get close to them.
Have a difficult time trusting others.
Say they have “commitment issues.”
Disorganized Attachment Style
The disorganized attachment style often experiences extremely inconsistent and unstable behaviors from their caregivers. Their caregivers can sometimes provide a safe and comfortable environment and sometimes provide a dangerous and insecure environment, leaving one feeling confused and distrustful. Disorganized adults may:
Resonate with both anxious and avoidant tendencies.
Have difficulties regulating their emotions.
Demonstrate contradictory behaviors.
The Most Common Attachment Styles
Besides the secure attachment style, the anxious and avoidant are the two most common attachment styles. Individuals with these styles are also often drawn to each other and face the most difficulties moving forward in relationships. It makes sense, right? One is desiring and needing more closeness to feel secure (anxious attachment) and finds solace in the familiar emotional distance the avoidantly attached-individual offers. In relationships, this dynamic only reinforces each other’s deepest fears: I am unlovable and I can only depend on myself. So, what do you do? As a recovering anxiously attached who is married to a recovering avoidantly attached, I understand the difficulty of getting out of the vicious cycle but have become amazed at the growth we have experienced through the process of couple’s therapy.
So, what does this mean for you?
Understanding the art of attachment styles is beneficial for your life in many ways. First, you can begin to understand where your own feelings and experiences stem from. Second, you can understand the differences between you and your partner from a sympathetic viewpoint and develop a deeper emotional connection. Third, you can work to understand your caregivers by understanding their attachment styles and wounds from their own childhood. Furthermore, you can break generational cycles in your own family. And perhaps most importantly, you can begin your healing and growth journey.
Developing a Secure Attachment Style is Possible
Studies have shown that 1 in 4 people go from having an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style to having a secure attachment style by developing awareness and understanding of their experience and their partners. Couples therapy is a safe place to explore and understand your and your partner’s attachment style. Having knowledge of your partner and your own attachment style will take you deeper into your relationship and unlock new perspectives, empathy, and transparency.
Learn More About Your Attachment Style in Couples Therapy in North Richland Hills, TX, and Strengthen Your Relationship, Today!
If you want to further your knowledge of attachment styles, I suggest reading Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love written by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller.
Further, if you want to begin your journey of healing your attachment styles in your relationship, I suggest scheduling a consultation for Couples Therapy with one of our Couples Therapists.
Self-discovery is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your relationship and yourself – what are you waiting for?
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OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AVAILABLE AT LUXX THERAPY
In addition to Couples Therapy, we offer a wide range of services at Luxx Therapy geared towards meeting you where you are in your mental health journey. We will walk the path to understanding and healing with you whether you are in need of Individual Counseling, Trauma Therapy, or Family Therapy! Reach out to us today.
References:
Levine, A., & Heller, Rachel S.F. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love. Penguin Publishing Group.
The Attachment Project. (2020). Attachment styles and their role in relationships. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/