Beyond AWARENESS: navigating the complexities of DOMESTIC violence

October has been recognized as Domestic Violence Awareness Month since 1988, the same year the first national domestic violence toll-free hotline was established. In the 36 years since, awareness of domestic violence has progressed significantly. With the recent release of It Ends with Us, domestic violence is once again in the public spotlight, making the issue more visible than it was in 1988. Yet, beyond what’s portrayed on screen, there is still much more to understand about the complex and layered dynamics within abusive relationships—awareness that has the potential to save lives.

The Texas Council on Family Violence reports yearly statistics on family violence fatalities. In 2023, 205 Texans were killed by their intimate partners, six of whom were in Tarrant County. Of those statewide victims, 92 had already separated from their abuser, 49 had actively sought help, and 52% had taken steps to end the abuse. These sobering figures underscore the need to go beyond general awareness. We must focus on reducing stigma so that survivors can access help more readily, receive support, and overcome some of the difficult barriers to leaving their abusers safely.

Beneath the Surface of Physical Violence

While physical violence is the most visible and recognizable form of abuse, victims often face multiple forms of control and manipulation that can make escaping the relationship a complex and dangerous process. The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth (DAIP) developed the “Power and Control Wheel” by identifying common abusive tactics that perpetrators use to maintain power, as reported by victims. Threats, intimidation, coercion, and manipulation create a cycle of fear and control that is often reinforced by physical and sexual violence. This whole network of abusive behaviors, though harder to detect from the outside, plays a crucial role in keeping victims trapped. The full power and control wheel outlines the 8 different ways that an abuser may exercise their control and power over their partner. For this post, we’ll focus on three, but all 8 are important.

  •  Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: These tactics shift responsibility for the abuse onto the victim, distorting their reality and creating feelings of powerlessness. Abusers may downplay their actions, saying things like, “At least I didn’t choke you,” or “If you hadn’t kept talking, I wouldn’t have hit you.” These statements subtly shift blame onto the victim, causing them to think they are overreacting, or responsible for the abuse.  Over time, victims may internalize these messages, believing they are at fault, which can lead to guilt and hesitation when seeking help. Thoughts like “It was my fault; I made them lose control,” or “I shouldn’t have bothered them,” can make it difficult to recognize the abuse. Even if they do recognize it, they may still feel a sense of blame for the actions.

•  Isolation: Abusers often use isolation as a powerful tool to cut victims off from their support systems. What begins as subtle remarks that are small wedges within the people close to you, such as “See, your friends don’t really care about you,” or “Your family doesn’t love you like I do,” can escalate into full-scale social isolation. Over time, victims may become distanced from family and friends, limiting their ability to gain an objective perspective on their partner’s behavior. By the time they realize they are isolated, victims may feel trapped and unable to ask for help.

•  Economic Abuse/Financial Control: Economic abuse is another key tactic that abusers use to maintain control. By limiting a victim’s access to money or sabotaging their employment, abusers create financial dependence, making it harder for the victim to leave. Whether it’s through discouraging the victim from working, incurring debt in their name, or damaging their credit, these financial barriers can persist long after the relationship ends. Sabotaging a job the victim currently has is also included in this tactic; abusers may create so much stress at home that the victim’s performance at work suffers. Survivors may struggle to support themselves independently, find housing, or secure employment due to the long-term impacts of financial control after leaving.

These examples highlight just a few of the many complex tactics used in abusive relationships. Feelings of guilt, social isolation, financial dependence, and fear can intertwine, making it far more difficult to leave than simply walking away. In fact, 75% of women are murdered by their abusers during or after leaving the relationship, showing just how dangerous and complicated the process of leaving can be. For some, threats to children or pets add even more emotional weight. In 2023, 16 additional deaths of family members, friends, or bystanders were recorded in Texas. Clearly, leaving is a decision filled with life-threatening risks that are often ignored by the question, “Why don’t you just leave?”

Finding Help: Resources for Survivors

Recognizing the emotional and logistical barriers that survivors face, it becomes clear that leaving an abusive relationship often requires extensive support. Accessing the right resources can make all the difference.

•  National Domestic Violence Hotline: A national resource available via phone, text, or online chat. The site provides safety planning tools and can connect survivors to local support services. The safety planning tools can be helpful in considering safety strategies you may not think of on your own, and they will guide you through the creation of a safety plan you can share with your support system.

• Safe Haven of Tarrant County: Safe Haven offers a 24/7 bilingual hotline, as well as shelter, counseling, legal aid, housing assistance, and case management, all free of charge to make services accessible to those in need.

• One Safe Place: Located in Fort Worth, One Safe Place is a Family Justice Center offering coordinated services through a multi-agency network. These services include legal aid, counseling, job skills training, immigration support, and more. They also have a satellite office in Grapevine and offer drop-in childcare to make seeking help easier for parents.

• The Family Place: Based in Dallas, The Family Place offers emergency shelter, including the only men’s shelter in Texas, as well as counseling, legal aid, housing assistance, and on-site pet shelter services to provide safety to the whole family, including pets.

These local resources provide critical lifelines, helping survivors find safety and navigate the challenges of leaving an abusive relationship. By connecting with these services, survivors can access the legal, financial, and emotional support they need to begin rebuilding their lives.

From Awareness to Action: Supporting Survivors

By shedding light on the complexities of domestic violence, we can offer more effective support to survivors. Local resources play a vital role in providing pathways to safety and independence. But awareness is only the first step. We must continue to share knowledge, spread awareness, and advocate for survivors so that our communities become places where they are truly heard and helped. This October, consider how you can make a difference. Whether through donations of time or resources to local shelters, offering a compassionate ear to someone in need, or educating others about domestic violence, we all have a role to play so that everyone gets a chance to feel safe in their relationships.

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, it’s crucial to seek help and connect with a supportive community that can help provide the resources you need. At Luxx Therapy, we offer trauma-informed counseling services designed to support survivors of domestic violence. We can help you process your experiences, decrease the sense of blame for the abuse, and develop a plan for moving forward.  You don’t have to navigate this alone- reach out to us today and take one of the first steps towards safety and healing.

Sources:

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/

https://tcfv.org/wp-content/uploads/Fact-Sheet-English-HTV-2023.pdf

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/